never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
