We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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