the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
