I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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