I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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