I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
whose ass print is on the piano?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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