I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
