i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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