How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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