i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Betty ford says i'm here all night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
