new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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