he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize