Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
