I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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