Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
