he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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