White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
