Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
