Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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