First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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