He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
