Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
