I'm gonna have a badass scar
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
