There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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