even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
