If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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