I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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