I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
