Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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