wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
