There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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