I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
