onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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