I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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