my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
