I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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