I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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