the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
