apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
