Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
