I cockslap morals
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
