I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
false alarm. still invincible.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
