My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize