I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
