Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
