Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
