I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
