My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
