I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Never underestimate the power of titties
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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