Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
