U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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