My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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