i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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