I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
