I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
