dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
