Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
MIDGETS
????
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
