So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
