Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
