The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
