He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
