Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
